I Feel Bad About My Ass

22 08 2007

Swimsuit shopping will do that to you. Mary, Deb and I headed out this afternoon on another swimsuit shopping expedition, which can be trying even in the best of circumstances. Since my mid 30’s, I’ve noticed that my ass is doing its very best to work its way down to my knees. I can ignore it for the most part until I try on swimsuits. For the first ten minutes I was seriously shopping for a new suit, but I concluded that this year’s crop is all equipped with flotation devices in the top half. There must be alot of women who can get away with that, but the padding in the tops really just looks like miniature life vests on me. It would be funny if it weren’t so pathetic.

So I moved to the Italian Grandmother Swimdress rack. I found and modeled the smallest suit they had, a little black number with floral top. The heavily padded top hung on my bony chest and the swim dress skirt reached halfway to my knees. The sales ladies took pity and tried to arrange it in a more flattering stance, but it couldn’t be done. God only knows what the were thinking. Clearly, there wasn’t a thing in the store suitable for me. Which raises the question of whether one ought to shop for clothing while on vacation at the beach. I caught myself eyeing large floral housedresses and exited the store in a near panic for fear of what I might be wearing ten years from now. I’ll probably still have the yellow vinyl shoes and some loud floral pedal pushers to go with. Surely I’ll be smoking cigars by then.

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2 responses

22 08 2007
bedhead

If your friends are true friends, they will never allow you to purchase a big floral housedress, or any housedress as far as that goes!

Smoking cigars in bright yellow vinyl shoes and floral petal pushers would be acceptable as long as you also have a big floppy hat, oversized sunglasses and an ever-present martini in one hand.

23 08 2007
Mama w/Thor

What’s wrong with the little life (not live) vests on the top half? When you get home we’ll go to Dillard’s and I’ll take you swim suit shopping! Can’t wait! Miss you!

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